You can't do this.

No, you can't.
This whole post is basically all stolen from Geekologie.
Dude cracks me up every post.

This is a video of Isao Machii, who is billed as a modern-day Samurai, showing off his skills with the blade. It's a long video, so I'll direct you to the good parts.
1:45: Cuts the top half of a mushroom's cap off. Sent shivers down my pants.
3:30: Horizontally cuts a bean lengthwise. Sent shivers down my pants.
5:15: Cuts a 6mm Airsoft BB shot at him in half. GW realizes bringing a gun to a Samurai fight might not be enough.
8:00: Cuts an iron pipe in half without bending or warping the pipe. This part is skippable, since I totally could have done that. With my penis. HI-YA, BITCHES! Youtube Thanks to Jason, who once got a watermelon pregnant just by glancing at it in the produce section of the grocery store.


Reality:
But you should watch the first 50 seconds, anyway. This guy is totally sick.
The yutzes on Amazing Race, Survivor nor Deal or No Deal also cannot do this (well, maybe #10 on DoND, but I digress...).